Embracing the Discomfort of Change

We all know the feeling: that unsettling in-between space.

“Many of us have heard it said that when one door closes, another opens, but no one warns us that the hall between can be hell! … In the In-Between, we are constantly challenged to come alive by letting go of old habits and methods.  To progress, we must, metaphorically speaking, die and be reborn into new experiences.  If we fail to rise to this challenge, we begin to feel like the walking dead, going through the motions of life without intensity or joy…”

-Carol S. Pearson and Sharon Sievert: Magic at Work: Camelot, Creative Leadership and Everyday Miracles

Today, we’re here to understand and appreciate being in the hallway, also known as a life transition. It’s the place where we go when we’ve decided to leave where we’ve been and step out into… well, we’re not sure where. We think we might know this new place we’re stepping into, leaping into, or being pushed into—but we don’t. We just don’t know what’s on the road ahead, and we humans like knowing.

 We’re choosing something new, that unsettling, no-woman’s land that something inside us has directed us towards. We go there to respond to a feeling inside that nudges us gently:

“Hmm, this doesn’t feel just right. I might want to do something differently.” Or, that speaks to us not so gently. It can upend us with a whack to the side of the head, “Do this! It will save your life! Now!”

Look back on your life, and you’ll find many points where your road has diverged as you’ve responded to what we call, in Heroine’s Journey terminology, your Call.

What have you done?

Have you been like the poet Robert Frost and taken the road less traveled? Or have you preferred not to rock your boat and stay the course—otherwise known as the comfort zone? That road is usually wide and relatively free of obstacles. The other? It’s the unknown, so we can’t even talk about it or describe it. “It was grassy and wanted wear,” says Frost. There are no landmarks, no maps.

Right up front, I want to say there is absolutely no judgment about which you choose. It (life) is all so personal to you, the traveler, the Heroine. It’s your story. You’re writing it. You’re mapping it out as you go. Sometimes, it’s time for a big change – or it could be time for a little one – or time for just staying put; thank you very much. I repeat, no judgment! We can’t possibly compare what one heroine needs in the trajectory of her life to another’s.

But this blog is about growth. It’s about moving and changing, taking that “one less traveled by” because it’s your road; you are making the tracks on those leaves that no step has yet trodden black. And it’s about how uncomfortable it is to make changes but how absolutely wonderful it is simultaneously.

Leaving Your Ordinary Life

Wonderful, really?

Let’s examine that. What exactly happens as you take those steps that move you out of what we call Ordinary Life in the Heroine’s Journey, but before you land on your new direction?

That’s the in-between.

There is no map of the transition space; it’s true. How do you map limbo? The author, Edmond B. Szekely describes it in The Essene Book of Days, as a series of trapeze bars…

“In my heart-of-hearts I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present, well-known bar to move to the new one.

Each time it happens to me, I hope (no, I pray) that I won’t have to grab the new one. But in my knowing place I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar, and for some moment in time I must hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar.

Each time I am filled with terror. It doesn’t matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing I have always made it. Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between the bars. But I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives.

And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of “the past is gone, the future is not yet here.” It’s called transition. I have come to believe that it is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched.”

 I’ll bet you can relate to the feeling of that dark void. I can, and I’ve worked with many people in that space – with organizations in it, too (in my strategic planning work). There is a model that I’ve used with both my coaching clients and groups. It lays out the terrain of transition. It’s based on the work of William Bridges. I’m sure there are others, but his classic work Managing Transitions has been a great guide for me during the transition times and for the people I’ve worked with.

Here’s the good news: change is not the problem!

Are you worried and anxious about making a change in your life? Change doesn’t do you in, it’s the transitions that do and here’s why. We’re the ones responsible for how hard or easy they are. We are the ones who attach emotion, negative or positive, to change. Change is situational. It’s just what happens. We supply the emotions. We are the ones doing the attaching. Change is situational. Transition is psychological.

Here's a dramatic example: your partner leaves you.  If you look at it dispassionately, it’s simply a change in black and white. You were two, and now you’re one. The difficulty comes with how you choose to react. Do you hold on to it and plot revenge, getting more bitter by the hour, or do you find a way to let go and see it as an opportunity – somehow (I know it’s not easy, and it takes time.) That’s the transition – how you process and react to the change. If you don’t eventually let go, you’re indefinitely in transition—a hard place to be.

Bridges tells us there are three phases of transition: the first is the ending, followed by a neutral in-between phase, and finally, a new beginning.

Transitions always begin with an Ending.

The ending phase is about letting go of the old reality and your old identity. Everyone has a different capacity for letting go, so it’s subjective. Some people can quickly clear out their belongings of items that hold memories, while others hold on to them, filling garages and attics with sentimental memorabilia they can’t get rid of.

And it’s not only objects; there are also the people we’ve outgrown or who we have learned are toxic to who we’ve become, and we’re still keeping them close. “I know Aunt Martha is demeaning to me, but I can’t not invite her to Thanksgiving.” Letting go is hard.

If a change is calling you, then letting go will be necessary. You can't move forward without an ending, hopefully, a good ending.

I was working with a coaching client who described her separation from her husband as amicable. I understood that a divorce was in the future. They had been separated for three years. My client was ready for a new romantic relationship, and that’s what she wanted to work on with me—how to find the right guy.

It soon became clear that she needed a definitive ending. Her world was still full of concerns for her ex: what he needed. We pictured her life as a circle with different wedges of that circle designated for what she spent her energy on. He still occupied over half! I asked her how she could move forward when he still took up so much of her precious energy.

She needed a good ending. A big part of that ending was to relocate elsewhere, not living next door anymore. Yes, it was hard, but she needed to disentangle the old emotions that kept her stuck next to him—literally and figuratively. She needed to create space for the new person she wanted to come in.

It's hard to disentangle. It’s not the change itself but those sticky emotions.

I’ve found that often, this is the toughest part for people. It helps to acknowledge what’s over. Grieving the losses is important. And remember to treat the past with respect. Love yourself through the “ending” process. All endings help us learn and give us information about what’s to come.

The Ending must happen before you can move on.

Bridges called the next phase, The Neutral Zone. The old one is gone, but you’re not hanging on to that new trapeze bar yet. You actually are journeying from one identity to another.  It’s the nowhere between two somewheres, between what “was” and what “will be”.

During this time, it can feel like you’re trekking “through the wilderness,” but it’s where a significant shift takes place within people, or it doesn’t.  The shift is inner repatterning. This is an important time and crucial to real personal growth.

In the Heroine’s Journey, we call this part the Belly of the Whale. It can feel like we’re being digested and reformed, rebirthed. It’s a time that challenges us and can be painful and disorienting. But doesn’t it take a big shakeup to evolve us? If we keep moving through the same life landscape as before, then we won’t evolve.

Here’s how Sharon Seivert and Carol S. Pearson describe it:

“We get caught in the hallway of the In-Between until we heal whatever traumas or limitations are holding us back from being truly authentic and alive.  After this is accomplished, we move into the next world…

The In-Between is a time of miracles and a time when our deepest truths show through.  If you ever have been present as a baby is born or someone you love is dying, you know the awe, the transcendent quality of such transitional moments.  And if you have been through puberty or midlife or have left a marriage or a job, you know how vulnerable you can become as you simultaneously grieve for what you have left behind and face the infinite possibilities of choices not yet made.  Various spiritual and psychological traditions warn us that when our egos give way to allow our deeper soul realities to come forth, we can experience a similar kind of vulnerability – which is both exciting and terrifying.”

What to consider when you’re in the neutral phase: know it’s normal to feel disoriented, frightened, and confused. Remember, this is the path to positive change for you. Because you haven’t landed into something or someplace yet, so many options are still available. That’s exciting! Try things out. Experiment.

This is when innovation is most possible.

Here's Szekely again,

“… the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.

And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to “hang-out” in the transition between trapeze bars. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening, in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.”

Then on to the third phase:  The New Beginning: owning a new identity.

The Heroine has landed in her new job, relationship, or place, wherever her “Call” led her. She had the courage to follow that call, and now she’s on a new journey.

Let’s remember it will be different for everyone. People go through the phases at their own pace. They are organic. They are orchestrated from within, not by an implementation schedule.

Note that the phases overlap. Changes fail based on whether the people affected do things differently.  People need to be helped through the phases.  This is why coaching is so helpful at these times.

And note that there’s a difference between starting something and a beginning. A beginning involves new understandings, not just new situations. The Heroine learns a new way of being. 

It’s ironic. We want them, new beginnings, and fear them at the same time. But you hold the key to how they progress. You choose your reactions. Maybe start out with the premise that change is a good thing and go from there. Transitions are very essential to the journey of a heroine.